catching up on my life...

I just realized that it's been forever since I've posted in and there are too many significant things that have happened in my life for me not to give a brief review. First off, the most important thing that happened is I got engaged to the most wonderful guy in the world :) Reece and I are planning on getting married December 2, 2006 in Clemmons...I absolutely cannot wait. Since we got engaged on May 13, I've been either in Indianapolis or here in Virginia Beach on summer project. I only have one more week here in Va Beach and then a little vacation time with the family and Reece, then planning for our move to Asheville, NC where we'll both start working for Crusade. Yes, that's right I actually get to be in the same town as Reece...amazing. I love my life :)

Bigger and Better things

I've been waiting what seems like forever to be where I am right now. Isn't it ironic that I'm sad to be here. For 8 months I've been praying and working towards this goal...It's been my goal to raise all of my financial support, and I definitely am excited that the day has finally come that fully funded. It's just crazy how many other things are involved that I failed to see as I looked forward to being where I am today. I didn't think of saying goodbyes and knowing there's no telling when I'll see certain people again. I didn't think about the possibility of not seeing Reece for 3 months...that really never crossed my mind at all. And once again, I'm so thankful for the Lord's timing and not my own. So many times, I wanted to go ahead and get up to Indiana so I could go ahead and get to work, not fully realizing the blessing that came along with being at home over the course of these past few months. It's taken a few days to kinda mourn the losses and accept the future. It's ok to be sad about what I'm losing if I can let go and anticipate what is to come and believe in full faith what God is calling me to will be the best thing for me. I can't tell you why moving 9 hours away from my family and friends is best for my right now, and I certainly can't tell you why it's best for me to leave my wonderful boyfriend for such a vomitous amount of time. I have no clue, but finally today I let go of that uncomfortable feeling that comes with not knowing, and embraced the possibility that what God is leading me to is bigger and better. Things are great now, but who can pass that up? Whew...now lets hope I remember that in these next few weeks.

Orphans

5.5 million in Africa, 3.5 million in Asia, 1.5 in Eastern Europe, 400,000 in Latin America and 135,000 in the United States.....

Sadly this is the number of orphans awaiting adoption across the globe. How have I never realized how big this problem is before, now all at once it's hit me like a stack of bricks. In the few days, I have seen my exposure to this population of people exploded. Becky just went on a trip to Guatamala where she did outreach at an orphanage. Her pictures gripped me. A room full of bunkbeds, a room full of young girls, no parents, no shoes to fit their little feet...full of smiles. How does this happen? How are these fatherless children, those who have virtually nothing, delighting in the Lord's goodness while the "privileged" people here in our country can't see God's hand blessing them. I'm inspired and convicted that I'm one of those privileged people. Today when reading James, I came to verse 1:27...

Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.

Why do we so easily overlook this calling on our lives?? We sit in our Christian bubbles, in our cozy houses, having enough to eat, while millions and millions or kids are homeless, fatherless, abandoned around the world. This is a terrible problem and I feel the Lord's calling to get involved. I don't know if this means I'm supposed to adopt kids when I get married (I've thought about it recently, but didn't ever necessarily feel "called" to do it for sure) , or what.

In the Crusade women's newsletter I got this week talked about orphans too! I mean it's seriously everywhere around me people. Apparently FamilyLife (a Crusade ministry) started a ministry called Hope for Orphans in 2003 that encourages Christians to "lead the charge in providing homes for the millions of orphaned children around the world." God is passionate about the fatherless...this has been a great heart changing reminder that I need to be too.

Romance

So, today I had a sweet date with Jesus. I have to be honest and confess that there've been times when I heard about people going out on a "date with Jesus," and I didn't quite get it. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my morning time with the Lord; whether it be reading His word, journaling to Him or talking to Him driving...whatever. I totally think it's important to spend time with the Lord. It's just that I've always had trouble seeing that Christ and His bride thing. I can't wrap my mind around the fact that in addition to God being my Heavenly Father, Christ desires the intimacy between us that mirrors a marriage. That screams one word to me....romance, and it's so hard for me to recognize it in my daily walk with Him. Last night, as I was reading I realized my unbelief of this reality. So, by setting aside a "date with Jesus" of my own today, I wanted to see if God would romance me. And finally I saw the reason why I couldn't see God romancing me....the reason was ME! I started off my date having highly ambitious ideas of what all we would do, then the phone wrang. As I picked it up and began chatting, I quickly realized how I wouldn't have done that if I was in the middle of a romantic date with Reece. That was my wake-up call. I'm not going to experience the romance and pursuit of Jesus when I refuse to guard our time together as sacred. Here is a passage from Every Woman's Battle that really hit home with me and how I've been treating the Lord:

A radiant bride greeted her guests with a brilliant smile as she entered the reception hall after the wedding ceremony. She gracefully moved and milled about the room, the train of her stunning white gown flowing along the floor behind her, her veil cascading down her button-adorned back

She conversed with each guest one by one, taking the time to mingle and soak up the compliments. "You look lovely." "Your dress is divine." "I've never seen a more beautiful bride." "What a stunning ceremony." The lavish praises rang on and on. The bride couldn't be more proud or more appreciative of the crowd's adoration. She could have listened to them swoon over her all evening. As a matter of fact, she did.

But where was the groom? All the attention focused on the bride and never once did she call anyone's attention to her husband. She didn't notice his absense at her side. Scanning the room, I searched for him, wondering, "Where could he be?"

I finally found him, but not where I expected him to be. The groom stood along over in the corner of the room with his head down. As he stared at his ring, twisting the gold band that had just been placed on his finger by his bride, tears trickled down his cheeks and onto his hands. That is when I noticed the nail scars. The groom was Jesus.

He waited, but the bride never once turned her face toward her groom. She never held His hand.

When I read this, it really put me in my place. To do this when I get married would be rediculous, so why do I do it to Jesus now? No wonder I don't feel romanced...I'm not even holding the Lord's hand. I'm spending time with Him half-heartedly. God does not want my half-hearted affections, but my undeniable and passionate adoration. So i'm excited to understand finally what it means to be romanced by the Lord. It is a mutual pursuit of intimacy. Since God is constant, it was obviously me who needed to change. If I can turn my heart to Him, He will romance and pursue me like no man on earth ever can.

I will betroth you to me forever,
I will betroth you in righteousness and justice,
in love and compassion.
I will betroth you in faithfulness,
and you will acknowledge the Lord.
-Hosea 2:19-20

True Humility

But by the grace of God I am what I am, and his grace to me was not without effect. - 1 Cor 15:10

Wow, this is true humility. Not putting myself down or thinking less of myself, but believing a lot in God. Denying that God's grace is sufficient, is denying that God is all-wise, all-knowing, all-powerful and all-loving. Reading this today really expressed my heart. I feel so unworthy and undeserving of where I am today and the where I am planning to go in the future. This was also Paul's experience. He felt unworthy to be an apostle of Christ, because he had been one of the ones persecuting the Christ followers even to the point of death. Although he was unworthy, God showed kindness and grace to him, saving him from his ignorance and sin to become one of his most influencial followers.

Accepting God's grace is essential. Accepting God's grace is beneficial. Accepting God's grace is His will for our lives. When we wollow in self-pity and focus on how much we don't deserve it, we are denying a gift of God. If we deny this gift, His grace will "go without effect." He has saved us because He has a wonderful plan for our lives. When we choose to follow Christ, we have to literally die to ourselves and realize that our new identity is in Christ. God sees us IN CHRIST. No we don't deserve it, but that's the beauty of God's free gift to us. If Paul had never gotten past this, then he would never have been used in the awesome ways God chose to use him. He had to humbly step out, acknowledging his weakness and joyfully accepting God's strength in that.

I certainly don't apply this to my life daily. I mean this is powerful...we are seen by God as though we are sinful like Christ was when we call on Him as our Lord and Savior. Last night as I was about to do some reading, I opened my Bible up randomly and this verse popped out at me:

I tell you the truth, My Father will give you whatever you ask in my name...Ask and you will recieve, and your joy will be complete. -John 16: 23-24

I mean seriously...do I pray like this is true. I know it's true--Jesus said it Himself, but do I have faith in it with all of my heart? If I did, I know my prayer life would be different. I have confidence that a lot of things would be different for me. Well it is true..and I pray I will come to experience and trust it. Praise God for his grace that is incredibly powerful and free to all who want it.

stepping back

In a flash, Christmas is over. Out goes the spirit of giving and hope, and in comes the everyday hum-drum, self centered lifestyle of our society. It's amazing how just the season of Christmas can bring out the best in not only people, but our society in general. It's true that many stores aim to stimulate our purchasing appetites with their season's greetings, but I can't deny the wonderful feeling I get that time of year. I can't help but rest in being with my family and remembering how blessed I really am.

But now, when faced with the post-Christmas reality shock, I get caught up with everything else that really doesn't matter. Just one day after celebrating the most blessed gift God has given mankind, I started stressing out about much smaller things, like raising support. All of the details were distracting me from the goal. All of the inconveniences I was seeing in my life now, were distracting me from my goal. Sharing the truth of God's grace and love is so worth all of the work I'm doing now. I wasn't seeing the forest for the trees. It's these distractions that slow me down from stepping out in faith and trusting God for the results.

But I rest in His grace; realizing that I am distracted in my sin. Thankfully God has condemned sin through His Son Jesus Christ. Sin can't hold me down, even in times like this where the distractions seem so powerful. Life can be so exciting and abundant, if I step back and hand it all over to the One who created it.

The Lion and the Lamb

Chronicles of Narnia is the BEST! Aslan is the king of Narnia. He is beautiful, yet terrifying at the same time. Powerful and fierce, he protects and rules the land of Narnia with justice. At the same time, he is loving and willing to sacrifice for his people. Who other could C.S. Lewis be parelleling this king after other than God Himself! Today, while reading through Hosea I came to a verse the reminded me of Lucy's conversation with Mr. Beaver in Chronicles of Narnia:

Then [Aslan] isn't safe?" said Lucy."Safe?" said Mr. Beaver;"..."Who said anything about safe? 'Course he isn't safe. But he's good.

In Hosea 13, he speaks of the Lord's anger against Israel. In his anger, the Lord is a lion. He is fierce and powerful, strong and commanding. Just like Aslan's roar commanded attention in his presense, so the Lord commands us all to acknowledge Him. I don't acknowledge that God is powerful and worthy of such reverence. If I was in the presense of a lion, I would be sure not to cross him, yet I frivolously trespass on the Lord's rules everyday. God speaks of His power , which I fail to recognize in these verses of Hosea 13:6-8:

When I fed them, they were satisfied; when they were satisfied, they became proud; then they forgot me. So I will come upon them like a lion, likea leopard I will lurk by the path. Like a bear robbed of her cubs, I will attack them and rip them open. Like a lion I will devour them; a wild animal will tear them apart.

This is the Lord's wrath and what we fully deserve. He is more powerful than we could ever imagine, yet more merciful than we could ever hope for. Just as Mr. Beaver said to Lucy in Narnia, " 'Course he isn't safe, but he's good." I'm so thankful that God provided His Son to make up for all that we lack. What we deserve--death--His Son did on the cross and then overcame even that. Now, I can come to the throne of God and need to be more reverent in doing so...after all this He is not just the lamb, He is the lion as well.