raw thoughts on where I'm at

This week has been good for me. No, I haven't gotten any new monthly supporters. In fact, I've only had 4 appointments scheduled at all and my biggest one cancelled. Support really hasn't been all that great at all, but this week shines as a point where I'm learning to rest in the Lord's plan. These past few months have been filled with anxiety over performing. Not for God, but for people. Worrying because I was not fulfilling the standards others have set for my life. I'm coming to realize that it is way too stressful living that way...and certainly does not reflect a life characterized by faith. I want so badly to get to Indianapolis and begin ministry there. But I've begun to analyze even that desire. Is it from God or am I trying to impress others by getting there quickly? I'm not denying the need to work hard at what I'm doing:

Whatever you do, work hard at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord. not for men, since you know that you will recieve an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving. -Col. 3:23

My problem is that I'm not acknowledging who the Boss is. When my big appointment cancelled this week, I was tempted to feel resentful towards God. I wondered why he would not allow an appointment where I would get in touch with ~20 potential supporters to come to pass. But, the truth is that God works all things together for good and He makes decisions in our lives for a reason. I just have to trust that God can raise the money any way He chooses. He's not poor--He can raise it from one supporter, or from 200! I just need to be willing and faithful enough to pursue my calling prepared for either situation. One of my friends told me going into this process that it's at the point where we loose all anxiety and have our full faith in God's plan for us, however long or short it takes---THAT is when the Lord will truly bless us with all He has for us. Even in these short months God has taught me so much! Why would I choose to step out of His will and into ministry before He has me ready to do that?!? So for now, I'm trying to practice quieting my anxious soul and be still before God, knowing that He is truly in control.